Letter to a Birth Parent

So, you’ve identified a potential birth parent and you’re ready to reach out. But how? What’s the best medium? Phone? Email? Snail mail? And what do you say?

There’s no magic bullet here, but if you’ve made it this far in your search, you know that already. Some birth parents have been praying you would find them, some never knew you existed, and some hope to take their secret to the grave. Worse, you have no way of knowing which of those describes the person you’re contacting.

Plus, you might have the wrong person.

For these reasons, I advocate reaching out in a way that gives the other person room to maneuver, emotionally speaking. A phone call is risky, because you’ll almost certainly take them by surprise, and they might feel cornered. Email is quick but impersonal, and it might not be seen. A letter is better, if you have a mailing address. Hand address the envelope, and pay for delivery confirmation if want to know when it was delivered.

I’ve had success with an approach that lays out the evidence for the relationship but doesn’t take the final logical step of saying outright “You’re my parent.” Even if you know with absolute certainty that you’re writing to your birth father, for example, don’t say so.  Say, instead, the equivalent of “Hmm, this is interesting. Do you have any information that might shed light?” Then, let him come to you.

Sometimes, you may want to leave out evidence from your letter. If you have DNA proof of who your grandparents were, and they only had one daughter (your birth mother), you may instead want to describe your connection to your great grandparents (her grandparents), so she has wiggle room.

DNA is complicated, but keep your letter simple. No need to mention centimorgan values and segment sizes and X chromosomes. You don’t want to scare the recipient off.

Responses to the letter have been varied. One birth mother was thrilled to be found. Another said ‘Sorry, I can’t help, good luck with your search.’ (Yes, she was the birth mother.) One birth father pointed us to his cousin and agreed to take a DNA test to help. (Heh.) Another not only acknowledged the relationship but also thanked his daughter for reaching out in such a considerate way.

Which is to say, no promises. My fingers are crossed for you, though, very, very tightly.

Final comments before I share the template. I’m a scientist.  I think like a scientist and write like one, which is to say: bone dry. Feel free to modify the letter however you like to make it reflect your personality. The template below is for an adoptee. It can be easily modified for an unknown father situation or even a break in your lineage further back in time.

Bracketed text in blue is meant to be replaced with your own details. Bracketed text in red is commentary to guide you in modifying the letter for yourself. Please proofread your final version and make sure all of the bracketed text has been edited or removed, otherwise the recipient may think it’s a poorly executed scam.

If you have suggestions to improve the letter, or if you try it and it works for you, please let me know in the comments.

 

Template Letter

Dear {potential birthparent’s name},

I recently took a genealogical DNA test through {name of testing company} and learned that I am descended from your {relationship of shared ancestors to potential birthparent, e.g., grandparents}, {name and dates of the husband ancestor} and {name and dates of the wife ancestor}. I have close cousins through both the {husband’s surname} and {wife’s surname} families. {Modify as fits your scenario; for example, you may only have cousins through one of the lines.}

I have also taken a yDNA test, which tracks a man’s surname lineage, and it connects me to several other people from the {surname} surname. {Women cannot do the yDNA test, so you will want to delete this paragraph.}

I was born {name at birth} on {birthdate} in {birth city and state} and adopted {time of adoption, e.g., shortly after my birth}. I am searching for my biological family to learn my heritage and especially my medical family history. I have a copy of non-identifying adoption information that states that my birth mother was {description from nonID: age, ethnicity, occupation, etc.} and my birth father was {description from nonID: age, ethnicity, occupation, etc.}. (My DNA shows evidence of both ethnicities.) Both of my biological parents were born in {location where they were born}. I {do not} believe that my birth father knew that I was placed for adoption. {If your case is one of unknown paternity, you can change this to describe your mother and the time and place of your conception.}

Of the {#} children of {husband ancestor} and {wife ancestor}, I have been able to rule out {names of their children who have been ruled out}, meaning that either {name of candidate} or {name of candidate} was my {relationship to you, e.g., grandmother}. {Modify this paragraph to fit the details of your search. Remember to give your target an “out”, so that the evidence doesn’t point only to them.}

I hope that you have information that can help me to identify my birth parents and are open to contact with me. I don’t wish to upset anyone’s life; my purpose in searching for my birth family is to learn my medical history and perhaps see photos or maybe meet biological relatives, as I have never met anyone who looks like me. I was adopted by a loving family in {city and state} and am now married with {number} children and {number} grandchildren.

I am enclosing a photo of myself so you can see what I look like. I now live in {city and state}, and all my contact information is listed below. Please reach out to me if you might be willing to assist in my search.

I look forward to hearing from you, and will follow up with a phone call on {day and date a week or so after you expect them to receive the letter}. {Many searchers are uncomfortable with this paragraph and omit it.}

Sincerely,

{name, address, phone number, and email address} {Give the recipient multiple ways to contact you.}

3 thoughts on “Letter to a Birth Parent”

  1. The letter above is a really good template to use.

    I also agree that you have to leave room for the other party to manoeuvre, and not to jump straight to the end point by making some form of definitive statement about the potential relationship in the first communication.

    I’ve found that being open and honest in the first instance, about why your searching can go a long way in these matters, and that for the most part people will try to help you. Always give the other person enough information for them to be able to make a reasoned judgement about contacting you back.

    If they do contact you back, then all subsequent communication becomes much easier, free flowing and can be very revealing. Plus you have started to build trust with the other party.

    Trust, is an extremely important part in this process. It’s an intangible asset that takes a long time to build, but can be lost in seconds. The moment the other party lose trust in you, your relationship can be in jeopardy and your chances of success can go with it.

    Recently I was contacted by someone who sent me half coded messages and smiley face emoticon’s,over 4 different emails, before finally suggesting that a close relative of mine was probably their G Grandfather.

    The message was “telegraphed” and I knew their real intention for contacting me, but the fact that they weren’t direct with me made them look deceitful. I’m sure that they didn’t mean to be deceitful, and probably thought that they were protecting my feelings, however it didn’t endear me to them, or their plight, at all.

    Being honest in these matters has nearly always paid back for me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *